Song Inspirations
by Kate Manoso
Summary: I'm compiling all my song fics into one story heading that I'll add to as time goes by. All the chapters are named after the song. Enjoy!
1. Apologize

Disclaimer: JE owns the characters. Apologize by One Republic.

**Angst and tissue warning!**

**Apologize**

_I'm holding on your rope, got me ten feet off the ground  
I'm hearin what you say __but I just can't make a sound  
You tell me that you need me, then you go and cut me down, but wait  
You tell me that you're sorry, didn't think I'd turn around, and say..._

"She's just a piece, Tank."

Ranger's words froze me just outside his office, my hand raised to knock on the slightly ajar door.

"She'll never be more than just entertainment and a great lay. She's almost more trouble than she's worth."

"You don't mean that, man," Tank insisted. "You're in love with her."

"I'm not, nor was I ever, in love with Stephanie."

His words tore a hole in my heart. I had thought that things were going well between the two of us. We had been seeing each other on a regular basis for the last three months. He had told me that he loved me so many times that I thought it was true.

The door to his office opened and I came face to face with the one man that held the power to destroy my life. Our eyes locked and he knew in that second that I had heard exactly what he had said.

Babe…"

He reached out to grab me but I moved back quickly. I threw the fly that I had in my hand at him and turned, I was walking away. 

It's too late to apologize, it's too late  
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

I could hear the Lester and Bobby calling out to me as I grabbed my purse and headed for the elevator. Over them, I heard Tank yelling at Ranger just outside his office. I ignored it all. I couldn't really hear anything over the sound of my heart shattering in my chest.

I stepped onto the elevator and turned around to hit the button. As I leaned back against the wall, I saw Ranger come running towards me.

The doors started closing as he reached out and said, "Babe-"

"It's too late," I said and the doors slid shut.

_I'd take another chance, take a fall, take a shot for you  
And I need you like a heart needs a beat, but it's nothin' new  
I loved you with a fire red- now it's turning blue, and you say...  
"Sorry" like the angel heaven let me think was you, but I'm afraid..._

The doors slid back open to the garage as I heard the door to the stairwell bang open. I kept my head held high and the tears at bay as I stepped out and started walking to my car. A hand came around my arm and swung me around. I was instantly pinned to a broad black chest. My instincts kicked in and I started fighting to get away.

"I'm sorry, Babe," Ranger said, his voice slightly raised with panic. "Don't leave like this."

"I'm sorry!" I yelled as I gave a Herculean push and got out of his arms. "I'm sorry? It's too fucking late to apologize to me, Ranger." A tear escaped and rolled down my cheek. "Besides, you don't need to waste your breath on 'a piece'."

_It's too late to apologize, it's too late  
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late_

He flinched at my words but I couldn't come up with enough compassion to care about that. I was hurting and I wanted him to hurt too. Because no mater what he wanted to say, it was too late. The words had been said and my heart was no longer his. I was taking it back so that I could take it home and try to glue it back together. As long as I could find all the pieces under his fist, then I'd be alright.

It's too late to apologize, it's too late  
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

I turned from him and made my way to my car. He didn't make another sound as I climbed into my car and closed the door. The gate raised before I was even out of my parking space. I waved at the camera as I drove by… for the last time.

_It's too late to apologize, yeah  
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah-  
I'm holdin' on your rope, got me ten feet off the ground.._


	2. Delayed Devotion

Disclaimer: JE owns the characters. The song is by Duffy.

**Delayed Devotion**

"I'm ready for 'some day', babe," he said as he backed me against the alley wall.

My mouth dropped open and I just stared at him.

He grinned as he closed my mouth. "My contracts are done. I'm done. This is our time now, Babe. We can finally be together and I won't have to worry about coming back in a body bag. I love you and I want you to be at my side where you belong. Please say that you love me too and that you'll spend the rest of your life with me."

_It seems you wanna give me  
Oh, a life time of security  
Down on your dying knees  
I watch you beg, I watch you plead_

He was standing there saying all the right words, all the words that I had longed to hear over the last five years. His face was sincere and love brightened his eyes. He was grinning like a fool and I loved that I was the reason for the look on his face.

But your words come much too late  
My love for you has turned to hate  
'Cause you've taken too much time  
To show me that you're mine

But the cold, hard truth was that he was too late. I've given up the hope for the 'some day' that had lingered over us and started looking for someone who was willing to give me 'now'. I knew just how lucky I was that I had found that. And I knew just how sad it was that I was going to have to be the one that told him.

"I'm sorry, Ranger," I whispered as I pushed him back gently. "You're too late."

When I drop you boy  
You'll need another toy  
One that won't stand up for herself  
When I knock you down  
You'll need another town  
Where somebody's gonna talk to you  
You just let me wait  
Now it's too late  
For your delayed, delayed devotion

"I'm never late, Babe," he chortled as he reached out to grab me.

I swatted his hand away and moved a few feet back towards the street. "I'm serious, Ranger. Things changed while you were 'in the wind'. I've changed."

"Not by much," he said as his eyes roamed over my body. He shook his head and continued on. "It doesn't matter what you did while I was gone, Babe. The only thing that matters is that you are with me now. I know that you love me, Babe. So stop being stubborn and come home with me so that I can show you just how good we are together."

You try to convince me  
Oh, about the possibilities  
But I know that all your poetry  
Just comes from insecurity

I couldn't believe my ears. 

'Cause your actions speak nothing no more  
When it's what I've been waiting for  
'Cause you've taken too much time  
To show me that you're mine

"If you would have told me six months ago that this is what you had in mind, then maybe I would have waited." I held my hand up when he opened him mouth to interrupt. "But you didn't. You kept yourself neatly tucked away behind your mask and gave me nothing." 

When I drop you boy  
You'll need another toy  
One that won't stand up for herself  
When I knock you down  
You'll need another town  
Where somebody's gonna talk to you  
'Cause you just let me wait  
Now it's too late  
For your delayed devotion

"I told you that I loved you, Babe," Ranger cut in. "What more was I suppose to do?"

"You never told me that you really loved me," I shouted as my arms waved in the air. "It was always qualified. How was I suppose to feel when you told me that your love comes with a condom, not a ring? And what the hell does 'in your own way' mean?"

"With everything that I have." Ranger wasn't smiling anymore. "You of all people should know how terrible I am at sharing my emotions. I suck at words that come from the heart. So I did it my way, the only way I know, and was evasive."

You played me for a fool for too long  
Blinded by your lies I never saw your all  
I'm no longer under your spell  
Hear it in a song  
You can go to Hell

Evasive? "Go to hell, Ranger. You weren't evasive. You used me for what you wanted and then threw me out like trash the next morning. You kissed me whenever the mood suited and had me dress up like a tramp so that you could have a cheap thrill."

He had the gall to look abashed at my words.

"It doesn't matter anyways," I said with a wave of my hand. "What's done is done and there's nothing that either one of us can do to change that even if we wanted to. Just go, Ranger. I'm glad that you are done with the contracts, but that doesn't change the last six months."

When I drop you boy  
You'll need another toy  
One that won't stand up for herself  
When I knock you down  
You'll need another town  
Where somebody's gonna talk to you  
You just let me wait  
And now its too late  
For your delayed, delayed emotion

"What's happened in the last six months that can't be changed, Babe?"

I stared straight into his eyes and felt my stomach turn to ice. "I met someone new, Ranger. I really like him a lot and things are going good. He doesn't care that I roll in garbage and I don't care that he isn't Batman. He's not perfect and that makes him perfect for me. I'm sorry, Ranger. But by delaying devotion, you ended us."

My body slowly turned and I walked out of the alley, leaving Ranger behind.


	3. Diary

Disclaimer: JE owns the characters. Song is _Diary_ by Bread.

_**Diary**_

I knew that I was about to break a very big boy friend rule. But, my curiosity had won out and I just couldn't take it anymore. I watched her climb into Lula's Firebird from my hiding spot by the dumpster in the parking lot of her apartment building. She looked sexy as hell, all decked out for girl's night out. I didn't move for my spot until I heard the base beat from the Firebird fade into the distance.

Confident that they wouldn't be back for a while, I snuck out of my hiding spot and headed up to her apartment. I used my key to gain entrance and headed straight to her room. I had seen her journal peeking out from under her bed this morning and my hands were itching to get it. I opened the cover and noted the date. She had started this a few years ago. I skipped through to about half way and started reading.

_I found her diary underneath a tree.  
And started reading about me  
The words she'd written took me by surpise  
You'd never read them in her eyes.  
They said that she had found the love she waited for.  
Wouldn't you know it, she wouldn't show it._

I sat there and read everything that I had hoped that she had felt for me. My heart felt like it was going to explode in my chest. She loves me. Really loves me. This was around the time that I had told my mom that we were engaged and she said that it might not be such a terrible idea. She thought that marring me would be a good way to go. The next entry, she took it all back and called me a bastard. I had to laugh at her indecision. She went back and forth over it for days.

_Then she confronted with her writing there,  
Simply pretended not to care.  
I passed it off as just in keeping with  
Her total disconcerting air  
And though she tried to hide  
The love that she denied,  
Wouldn't you know it, she wouldn't show it._

I skipped to about two weeks ago and read about the rush that she felt when I kissed her. She spoke of an electricity in the air that shocked her whenever I touched her. She said that her love was so great, that it nearly breaks her heart. I took a moment to thank God that she feels the same way that I do. I continued to read on and she started talking about the way my lips tasted and…

"What the fuck! Mocha latte skin?" I shouted as I read the words over and over.

_I found her diary underneath a tree.  
And started reading about me.  
The words began stick and tears to flow.  
Her meaning now was clear to see.  
The love she'd waited for was someone else not me  
Wouldn't you know it, she wouldn't show it._

I turned the page and continued to read about her love for another man. I read each page carefully. She mentioned a dream that she has repeatedly about their night together. How she wished that they could be together again. She wrote about how she looks forward to the stolen kisses in the alley next to the bond office. How she loves the way that he looks at her when she dresses up for a 'Distraction'.

I pulled out my phone and did the only thing that I could do as I wiped a tear off of my cheek. I dialed a number that I knew by heart. I waited for the other end to pick up and said three simply words before I hung up.

"She's all yours."

I grabbed my clothes out of her closet and snagged my toothbrush and deodorant out of the bathroom. I stopped in her bedroom and looked down at the journal. I grabbed a pen from her dresser and scribbled a quick note on the next page that she would have written on. I left the journal open so that she would see it when she got back later tonight.

_Good bye, Cupcake._

_Joe_

I left my key on top of the journal and let myself out.


	4. Human

Disclaimer: JE owns the characters. Human is by The Pretenders.. At least my version is. I love Chrissie.

**Human**

Just keep running…

_I play a good game, but not as good as you  
I can be a little cold, but you can be so cruel  
I'm not made of brick, I'm not made of stone  
But I had you fooled enough to take me on  
If love was a war, it's you who has won  
While I was confessing it, you held your tongue  
Now the damage is done..._

Just keep running…

_  
Well there's blood in these veins  
And I cry when in pain  
I'm only human on the inside  
And if looks can deceive  
Make it hard to believe  
I'm only human on the inside_

This has nothing to do with me…

_  
I thought you'd come through, I thought you'd come clean  
You were the best thing I should never have seen  
But you go to extremes, you push me too far  
Then you keep going 'til you break my heart  
Yeah, you break my heart_

Just keep running…

_See I bleed and I bruise, oh, but what's it to you  
I'm only human on the inside  
And if looks could deceive,  
Make it hard to believe  
I'm only human on the inside  
I crash and I burn, maybe some day you'll learn  
I'm only human on the inside  
I stumble and fall, baby, under it all  
I'm only human on the inside_

Just a little further…

_  
And the damage is done..._

_Well there's blood in these veins  
And I cry when in pain  
I'm only human on the inside  
And if looks can deceive  
Make it hard to believe  
I'm only human on the inside_

It's not me…

_I crash and I burn, maybe some day you'll learn  
I stumble and fall, baby, I do it all  
I'm only human on the inside_

"Fucking son of a bitch!" I shouted in the empty gym as the song repeated itself on my ipod.

Ripping the ear buds out as I stepped off the treadmill, I threw the small box and felt vaguely satisfied as it broke into tiny pieces once it collided with the nearest wall. I was going to kill whoever it was that fucked with my ipod. After I tortured them for making me listen to that song.

I am only human, I thought as I started pacing around the gym. I feel pain. I know I do because I hurt every time I see her with that damn cop. I'll never let her see or know that when she's with him… I crash and burn as I watch my world crumble. And I'm not the only one hiding here. She keeps running back to Morelli before the sheets go cold all the time.

Fuck! I have not broken her heart. She doesn't love me as much as she loves the cop. HE can give her a future. HE can give her kids. HE can give her the white picket fence. Shit. Shit. Shit. Since when did I want to give her all of those things? I'm a fucking bad ass mercenary and I want to buy a freaking house. I have lost my mind.

I stopped my pacing in front of the full length mirrors at the end of the gym. My eyes flickered over my body and landed on the scar on my shoulder. It had lightened over time like the doctor's said. But, it was my constant reminder that I had put her life in danger. There was no doubt in my mind that Scrogg would have killed her in the end.

A rage that I hadn't felt in years started bubbling to the surface. It surged through my veins, causing my breathing to become labored. An incredible pain shot through the middle of my chest as the rage exploded.

Seconds later I was standing five feet back, surrounded by glass. The chairs that had lined the wall were tipped over and mangled. The ceiling high mirrors were smashed, slivers of glass spread out around this end of the room.

My eyes shot to the door as I heard it bang open. My Babe. Her hair falling around her angelic face. Her checks flushed from running to the gym. Her chest rapidly rising and falling. Her eyes shimmering with unshed tears.

"Ranger?"

Her voice was soft and timid. Was she afraid that I would lash out and attack her? Had I caused that much damage? I wanted to run to her and throw myself down at her feet. I wanted her to forgive me for ever being such an ass and not telling her from the first time that I saw her that I was in love with her. But I didn't.

She eyes ran along the glass and the fallen chairs before they caught sight of the ipod. She looked back up at me and said, "What happened?"

How could I form in words what I could just barely understand in my heart?

"Okay," she said after I was silent. She turned to leave as she said, "I'll just go get Ella."

"Babe."

It was just barely a whisper, but it was enough for her to hear and make her stop with her hand on the door. I watched as her shoulders shuddered as she released a breath that I hadn't seen her hold. She turned back to me and I saw a single tear roll down her cheek. That was my fault and it made me internally cringe.

I took a small step forward as I reached my hand out to her. She hesitated for a brief moment before she started walking over to me. As soon as she made that split second decision to come to me, I almost ran to her. My arms wrapped around her waist as I fell to the floor and buried my face in her stomach. She tensed for a second before she relaxed and placed her hands on my head.

"Ranger?"

"I'm only human, Babe," I whispered. "I'm so sorry that I've hurt you."

"You haven't hurt me, Ranger," she said quietly.

I tugged on the back of her jeans and pulled her down into my lap as I sat on the ground, thankful that I had gotten out of the glass by the time I reached her. Her blue eyes were wide as she looked at me, not for tear but for concern. I lightly took her face in my hands and wiped away the tear track that stained her cheek.

"I have hurt you, Babe," I whispered as I pulled her closer. "I'm so sorry that I never told you how much I love you. I just wanted you to be happy. But I want to be happy too. And I'm just not happy without you being near me."

"I'm never far, Ranger," she said slowly. She's always so uncertain on the things that I say to her. My fault again.

"You don't understand, Babe," I said with a small shake of my head. "I want us to be happy… together."

"Ranger, I-"

"Please, Babe." I felt everything start to slip away. She was going to reject me. I knew it and I panicked. "I've never told you how I feel because you always seemed so happy with Morelli. But, I think I can really make you happy. The kind of happy that lasts. I've never needed anyone as much as I need you. I want the happily ever after that everyone always talks about. And the only way I can get that is with you by my side."

"Ranger, you-"

"Please, Babe," I tried again. "You know-"

Her hand came up and covered my mouth to silence me. Another tear rolled down her cheek as she looked deep into my eyes. There was a wariness there. But just behind that, I saw a speck of hope. Real hope.

"Forever?" she whispered as she drew her hand from my mouth. "No sending me back to Joe?"

"I'll never let go of you for one minute, Babe," I swore. "Please, let me be the one that will be there to make you happy. I know I can do it."

"How do you know?" she asked, a small hint of fear in her voice.

"Because I'm only human."


	5. Almost Lovers

**Disclaimer: JE owns the characters. The song is owned by A Fine Frenzy. You may need tissues.**

A/N: This was inspired by Deb B. Thanks, Babe!

**Almost Lover**

"I'm leaving."

"When will you be back?" he asked without looking up from the report in his hands.

"I'm not coming back," I whispered.

His head snapped up from the paper and our eyes locked. I let him see all of the pain that was ripping my heart into tiny pieces. He showed me absolutely nothing, like always.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly.

"There's nothing to apologize for, Ranger," I said after clearing my throat, my voice a little stronger. "It's just not meant to be for the two of us. I'm always going to love you." I turned and walked a few feet to the door before the stinging in my eyes got any worse. "I just can't be an 'almost lover' any more."

_Your fingertips across my skin  
The palm trees swaying in the wind  
Images  
You sang me Spanish lullabies  
The sweetest sadness in your eyes  
Clever trick_

_I never want to see you unhappy  
I thought you'd want the same for me_

Standing in the entry way to his apartment, my heart started to break as I realized that it would be the last time that I came here. It'd be the last time that I felt the soft, calm feeling that always came over me when I walked through the door. It'd be the last time that I'd go into his closet and take in that delicious breath so that I could luxuriate in his essence. I just couldn't do it to myself anymore. I needed to move on.

Goodbye, my almost lover  
Goodbye, my hopeless dream  
I'm trying not to think about you  
Can't you just let me be?  
So long, my luckless romance  
My back is turned on you  
I should've known you'd bring me heartache  
Almost lovers always do

I couldn't let myself think about what I was really doing. Walking away from him has to be the hardest thing that I've ever had to do. It's even harder than when I walked away from Joe. I loved Ranger with everything that I had and what did it get me? Broken promises and lonely nights. I thought that I could live with what he had offered me. But, in the end, the loneliness was killing me.

We walked along a crowded street  
You took my hand and danced with me  
Images  
And when you left you kissed my lips  
You told me you'd never ever forget these images,

_no  
I never want to see you unhappy  
I thought you'd want the same for me_

My eyes looked down one last time at the silver picture frame that sat on the credenza next to the door. We were so happy that day in Miami. It had been the perfect week of smiles and laughter. He had been a different person, relaxed and unguarded. That week had cemented my feelings for him. And now I was leaving half of my heart behind. 

Goodbye, my almost lover  
Goodbye, my hopeless dream  
I'm trying not to think about you  
Can't you just let me be?  
So long, my luckless romance  
My back is turned on you  
I should've known you'd bring me heartache  
Almost lovers always do

After placing my key fob in the little dish, I grabbed my last duffle bag and threw the strap over my shoulder. I knew that he had gone back to Miami this morning and would be gone for a few days, but I couldn't stay here any longer. Even if it meant sleeping on the floor in my new apartment. With one last long look, I turned around and walked out.

I cannot go to the ocean  
I cannot drive the streets at night  
I cannot wake up in the morning  
Without you on my mind  
So you're gone and I'm haunted  
And I bet you are just fine  
Did I make it that easy  
To walk right in and out of my life?

The elevator dinged open to reveal one of my best friends.

"You're really leaving him," Hal said as he looked down at me.

My feet were frozen in place. That's when the first real tear fell down my cheek. Two arms came around my waist just as my knees gave out, a sob echoing around the small hallway. He sank down to the floor with me in his arms, holding me tightly as he whispered reassurances in my ear. Telling me that I was doing the right thing. Telling me that I'd be okay. Telling me that time heals all wounds.

"I'm okay," I said once my weakness passed, pulling back to give him a sad smile. "I just need to get out of here."

"Okay," he nodded.

Goodbye, my almost lover  
Goodbye, my hopeless dream  
I'm trying not to think about you  
Can't you just let me be?  
So long, my luckless romance  
My back is turned on you  
I should've known you'd bring me heartache  
Almost lovers always do

The doors opened and Hal ushered me out of the elevator, towards my car. My mind was fuzzy and I wasn't really paying any attention to what I was doing. I just let Hal push and pull me along. I could get myself pulled back together once I was in my car, I told myself.

"Shit."

My eyes went from the cold cement floor up to Hal. He was glaring straight ahead. I turned and looked to see what had his whole body tensed into a tight knot. My breath caught in my throat as my heart dropped down to my feet.

Ranger was sitting on the ground by my door, an empty bottle of Jose sitting on the ground next to him. He was a mess. His normally crisp black t-shirt was rumpled and un-tucked, the tongues on his boots laying out over the untied laces. I took my bag from Hal and then nodded for him to take off. He stared at me for a moment and then left. If he was going to break down from this, I didn't want any of the guys to see it.

After waiting to hear the elevator start moving up, I sat my bag on the ground and slowly moved to his side, kneeling down so that we were eye level. As he turned to look at me, I was moved almost to tears by the depth of the pain that he was showing me. He reached out and took my hand in his, bringing it up to the side of his face to cup his cheek.

"I thought you were going to Miami," I said quietly after a moment, not sure what to say.

"I got all the way to the gate before I turned around and came back," he whispered, closing his eyes and turning his face into my hand.

"Why did you come back?" I asked as I used my hand on his face to turn him back towards me.

He pulled his knees up to his chest as he buried his face back in my hand, his long hair falling down like a curtain. His chest rose and fell in a shuddering breath. "I can't live without you, Babe. Please don't make me."

"I can't live on the outside, Ranger," I whispered as I reached up and ran my hands through his silky hair, trying to see more of his face. "I know that you can't tell me everything. But you have to tell me something. I'm tired of living in the dark with no sign of light in the future."

"I'm so sorry that I've hurt you, Babe," he said as he tilted his face to the side to look at me. "I have three days left in my contract and I'm not renewing it. I had finally decided that there was something here worth living for. You. Please, don't go, Babe."

"And you'll let me in?" I whispered, too afraid to put my faith in his words.

"As of Thursday morning, I'll be a free man," he whispered back as he lifted his head and stared at me. "I can finally start living my life and I want you to be there right beside me. I want to grow old with you, Babe."

"But can you let me in, Ranger?" I slide my hand out of his and leaned back. My mind was too afraid to hope and my heart was already planning on the future. "_The opposite of loneliness is not togetherness. It's intimacy. _Can you be intimate with me? Not just sexually. Mentally."

"I'll spend every minute of every day for the rest of my life telling you anything that you want to know."

There was a pleading in his voice that I had never heard before. Didn't he know that I'd never really be able to walk away from him? Did he really not know that I'd come back as soon as he asked me to? I looked deep into his eyes and saw something that I would have never dreamed of see… hope.

"My heart can't take anymore disappointment, Ranger," I said softly. "If this doesn't work out than I'll die."

"It'll work out," he said as he shifted and turned so that he was kneeling in front of me, both of my hands now locked in his. "I'll move heaven and hell if I have to in order to keep you with me. That's how much I love you, Babe."

"Okay," I mouthed, my voice not working as my eyes blurred.

Blinking my eyes to clear them, I saw the smile that was reserved just for me. All teeth with just a hint of crookedness. He was beautiful and he was mine. Again.


	6. Say Goodbye

Disclaimer: JE owns the characters. The song is 'Say Goodbye' by Skillet.

Say Goodbye

_Things are changing  
It seems strange and  
I need to figure this out  
You've got your life  
I got mine  
But you're all I cared about  
Yesterday we were laughing  
Today I'm left here asking  
Where has all the time gone now  
I'm left alone somehow  
Growing up and getting older  
I don't want to believe it's over_

He was pulling away. Just slipping right through my fingers like water. It was there in his eyes. Our relationship had taken a turn somewhere along the road and neither one of us were where we use to be. We wanted different things and both of us were stubborn enough to not bend to the other.

I just never expected that freezing look to hurt like hell. I never expected that when we had run our course, I'd have such a hard time letting him go and moving on with my life. He had become more important to me than I had realized. He wasn't just a bed partner, he was a dear friend and trusted confidant.

The sad smile he gave me as we passed each other in the office said it all. It was now just a matter of time. A matter of when he'd pull out and walk away. Lord knows that I'm not strong enough to do it myself. So, I'll wait. And hurt. Because that's all that I'm brave enough to do.

_Don't say goodbye  
Cause I don't wanna hear those words tonight  
Cause maybe it's not the end for you and I  
And although we knew  
This time would come for me and you  
Don't say anything tonight  
If you're gonna say goodbye _

Our eyes locked as he walked into my apartment. He always came and I never lifted a finger to stop him. He came to me because that was just the way he was. Always the aggressor. Maybe that was one of our problems, that I never took our relationship into my hands and took the power away from him.

Maybe... Maybe... Maybe... Shit. 'Maybe' is just as bad as 'what if'. I can't go back and find where we got off course and fix things. There isn't a magical time machine, we're just stuck here in this painful place with only one way out. And we will get out. The day that he says the one word that my heart won't be able to take. Goodbye.

_Do you remember  
In December  
How we swore we'd never change  
Even though you're leaving  
Our feelings  
Would always stay the same  
I wish we could be laughing  
Instead I'm standing here asking  
Do we have to end this now  
Can we make it last somehow  
We both know what we've gotta say, not today  
Cause I don't wanna leave this way_

His hands came up to cradle my face, his thumb caressing my left cheek just like he had last December. Has it really only been a year since he came to me? It feels like a life time ago. So many memories, both good and bad. The clearest memory is of the promise he made to me.

"I'll never hurt you."

Oh God. He is hurting me. Every time he turns his dark brown eyes on me. Every time he gives me that sad, the-end-is-coming, smile. I always smile back and try my hardest to hide my pain. But, tonight, his eyes show that he sees the pain in mine. All of the pain and sorrow of the last two months has been just too much for me to bare. _  
_  
_Don't say goodbye  
Cause I don't wanna hear those words tonight  
Cause maybe it's not the end for you and I  
And although we knew  
This time would come for me and you  
Don't say anything tonight  
If you're gonna say goodbye _

"Just don't say anything," I whispered as I looped my arms around his waist.

_And if it's over  
It hurts but I'm giving you my word  
I hope that you're always  
Happy like we were  
Happy like we were_

He genuinely smiled and it suddenly didn't feel like winter. "I can do that."

_Don't say goodbye  
Cause I don't wanna hear those words tonight  
Cause maybe it's not the end for you and I  
And although we knew  
This time would come for me and you  
Don't say anything tonight  
If you're gonna say goodbye_

His lips brushed lightly across mine, his tongue slowly sliding out to caress my lips. A moan worked its way up my throat as I opened my mouth for him, reveling in the low burn that formed in my gut. I wanted just one more night of loving him to carry with me for the rest of my life. Just one more perfect night where he looked at me the way he use to, with love.

Our clothes started hitting the floor as we made our way back to my bedroom. 

Yesterday we were laughing (if you're gonna say goodbye)  
Today I'm left here asking (if you're gonna say goodbye)  
And although we knew this time would come for me and you  
Don't say anything tonight  
If you're gonna say goodbye

The alarm on his watch brought me awake even though he silenced it quickly. my stomach clenched into a hard not. It was going to happen and it would happen right before he walked out the door. I tried to talk myself into a calm state, but my heart pounded in my chest and I felt my eyes tear up behind their closed lids.

He quietly walked around my apartment, using the bathroom and pulling his clothes on. He stopped next to my bed and I reluctantly opened my eyes when I felt him staring down at me.

"I love you," he whispered, so light that I almost couldn't hear it.

My heart sank down to my feet and I felt the first icicle start to form as my chest grew cold. "I love you, too."

"Are you going to be okay?" he asked as he sat on the bed next to me and took my hand in his.

I looked at our hands for a moment, the contrast of his dark skin against my light skin had always fascinated me. As the first crack started to work its way through my heart, I pulled my hand out of his and sat up. This was really the end and there was no stopping it. There was nothing left to be done.

My breath shuttered as I let it out. "Just say it and go."

He stared at me for a moment before he stood up. "Goodbye."

There weren't any sad string instruments playing as I watched him walk out my bedroom door. My heart didn't stop in my chest and explode. It simple beat. And that's when I realized that I wasn't lucky enough for his departure to kill me. My punishment for having ten beautiful months with him was going to be a life time of misery without him.


	7. Slow Me Down

Disclaimer: The characters are JE's and the song is Emmy's.

**Slow Me Down**

**Ranger's POV**

I'm so tired of doing this drive. New York had been a disaster. Mental note: Kill Santos for not getting ALL of the back ground information on the client. That was a waist of a perfectly good day. The client didn't even have anything worth securing. It was just a bunch of God Damn Dolls.

Maybe some music would calm me down. I reached down and turned on the radio that I barely ever used. I flipped though all of the talk stations, wishing that Rush would give it a rest, when I came upon a woman's voice that was interesting. It was just her voice through out the song. The very end of the song was what really caught my attention.

_The noise of the world is getting me caught up  
Chasing the clock and I wish I could stop it  
Just need to breathe. Somebody please  
Slow me down_

The radio DJ announced the singer and the name of the song and I filed it away for another day, quickly being caught up in the next song. I fell into my zone and the rest of the trip back to Trenton seemed to fly by without another thought.

It wasn't until later that night, up in my apartment, that the song filtered back though my thoughts. I had been sitting in front of my laptop, so I Goggled the singer. Emmy Rossum. I was able to not only track down a video to the song, but also the lyrics. Very interesting.

_Rushing and racing and running in circles  
Moving so fast I'm forgetting my purpose  
Blur of the traffic is sending me spinning  
Getting nowhere_  
_My head and my heart are colliding chaotic  
Pace of the world I just wish I could stop it  
Try to appear like I've got it together  
I'm falling apart_

Save me  
Somebody take my hand and lead me  
Slow me down  
Don't let love pass me by  
Just show me how  
Cause I'm ready to fall  
Slow me down  
Don't let me live a lie  
Before my life flies by  
I need you to slow me down

Sometimes I fear that I might disappear  
In the blur of fast forward I falter again  
Forgetting to breathe. I need to sleep  
I'm getting nowhere  
All that I've missed I see in the reflection  
Pass me while I wasn't paying attention  
Tired of rushing, racing and running  
I'm falling apart

Tell me  
Oh won't you take my hand and lead me  
Slow me down  
Don't let love pass me by  
Just show me how  
Cause I'm ready to fall  
Slow me down  
Don't let me live a lie  
Before my life flies by  
I need you to slow me down

Just show me  
I need you to slow me down  
Slow me down  
Slow me down

The noise of the world is getting me caught up  
Chasing the clock and I wish I could stop it  
Just need to breathe somebody please  
Slow me down

I sat back and stared at the screen. Damn. If that didn't say it all. And the little brunette that had been haunting my dreams for the last four years was the only person that could slow me down. And I was on the verge of getting desperate for her to do it. I was tired of being alone at night. I was tired of always being alone. Sure. I had Tank and the guys. But, let's face it, they can't get me laid and I'm positive that none of them were up for snuggling. YIKES! I'm thinking about snuggling. I am getting old.

**Steph's POV**

There are some things that are just beyond me. One of those things is the card that's sitting on top of my keyboard in my RangeMan cubby. The hand writing on the front is clearly Ranger's. Would he fire me through a card? Probably not. I heaved out a sigh as I dropped into my chair and pulled out the card.

The card was rather beautiful. It had a simple water color painting of a red rose on the cover. I guess it was the simplicity that made it so beautiful. There were no words, just the rose. As I opened the card my eyes fell over a his hand writing.

**Babe,**

**_Rushing and racing and running in circles  
Moving so fast I'm forgetting my purpose  
Blur of the traffic is sending me spinning  
Getting nowhere_  
_My head and my heart are colliding chaotic  
Pace of the world I just wish I could stop it  
Try to appear like I've got it together  
I'm falling apart_**

Save me  
Somebody take my hand and lead me  
Slow me down  
Don't let love pass me by  
Just show me how  
Cause I'm ready to fall  
Slow me down  
Don't let me live a lie  
Before my life flies by  
I need you to slow me down

**Ranger**

Holy sheep shit, Batman! Was this really what I think it is? Was he really trying to reach out to me? I felt a tear fall slowly down my check as my eyes fell over the words one more time.

"Babe?"

My breath caught in my throat as the scent of Ranger swooped in around me. It had a mixed effect on me. My hormones went over the edge as a calming feeling surged through my body. My chair slowly turned on its own as my hands lowered the card that had been right in my face.

I just stared at him. First, my voice was no where to be found. And even if I did have it, what on Earth was I suppose to say? Do I throw myself at him now? Or do I wait to see what else he has to say?

"Babe?"

"Yeah?" I croaked out.

"I love you," he whispered as he knelt down on the floor between my legs. "I know that I suck at this. But, I wanted you to know that I want you to be a part of my life. In the forever kind of way."

I felt all of the blood drain from my face as black dots started to form in front of my eyes.

"Breath, Babe," Ranger whispered as he started rubbing my arms.

I sucked in a huge breath and the dots started to dissipate. Guess I forgot to breath. I think I stopped somewhere around 'I love you'. But, I'm not quite sure. It was, however, during my mental ramblings that I noticed that Ranger was starting to look a little worried and the blank face was starting to rear it's ugly little head.

"Stop," I said firmly once my vocal cords started working. "Don't shut down."

"Babe."

"You do that too much," I informed. "That's something that you are going to have to work on if this is going to work."

I watched as his eyes and face slowly softened. He reached out and carefully tucked a stray curl behind my ear. His hand came around and settled on my cheek, my head unconsciously leaning into it.

"Will you have dinner with me tonight?" he asked as he leaned up so that his face was just inches from mine.

"I can't think of a better place to be."


	8. Smooth Criminal

Disclaimer: JE owns the characters.

_A/N: This is not a Babe. You have been warned! This is a high angst one-shot from Joe's POV. The song was originally done by Michael Jackson, but I prefer the version by Alien Ant Farm. - Kate Manoso_

**Smooth Criminal**

I hadn't seen this coming. None of us had. I really thought that he would have always protected her from every scum sucking low life that crawled this planet. I never would have thought that he would have been the one that she needed to be protected from. That he would have been the one that would have inflicted this much pain on her.

_As he came into the window  
Was a sound of a crescendo  
He came into her apartment  
He left the bloodstains on the carpet  
She was sitting at the table  
He could see she was unable  
So she ran into the bedroom  
She was struck down  
It was her doom_

I had mistaken the look in his eyes. I thought that he was in love with her. It hadn't been love at all. It had been obsession, pure and simple. He wanted her alright. But, he what he wanted more then anyone else was to dominate her. He wanted to make sure that he was infused in every part of her life. He wanted her to solely depend on him for everything.

_Annie, are you OK  
Are you OK  
Are you OK, Annie  
Annie, are you OK  
You OK  
Are you OK, Annie  
Annie, are you OK  
You OK  
You OK, Annie  
Annie, are you OK  
You OK  
Are you OK, Annie_

And he had. Slowly, but surely, she started to depend on him more. She had started to pull away from me and go straight to him every time she needed anything. It was depressing to see the love of my life walk away from me. But, I was helpless to stop it. If I had known then, what I know now…

_Annie, are you OK  
Will you tell us that you're OK  
There's a sign at the window  
That he struck you  
A crescendo, Annie_  
_He came into your apartment  
He left the bloodstains on the carpet  
Then you ran into the bedroom  
You were struck down  
It was your doom_

But, I found her, a bleeding mess, on her bathroom floor. I had followed the blood stains from the living room to her bedroom, drops on the carpet and smears on the walls. One long, dark red smear led from her bedroom floor to her bathroom. I flew to her side as I replaced my gun in its holster and pulled out my cell.

_Annie, are you OK  
You OK  
Are you OK, Annie  
Annie, are you OK  
You OK  
Are you OK, Annie  
Annie, are you OK  
You OK  
Are you OK, Annie  
You've been hit by  
You've been struck by  
A smooth criminal_

I applied pressure to what looked like a deep knife wound to her left side as I moved her hair out of her face. Both of her eyes had already started to swell and turn dark with bruising. Her left eye brow had been split open, probably due to the force of a blow to her head. A deep cut ran from her right ear across her cheek and stopped just above her lip. Blood had crusted on her upper lip just below her nose.

_So they came into the out way  
It was Sunday  
What a black day  
I could made a salutation  
Sounding heartbeats  
Intimidations_

I could hear the sound of sirens in the distance as they got closer. This was about to get worse. The guys on the force really liked Steph. Sure, they made fun of her and made plenty of bets on her next fuck up. But, it was all in fun in their eyes. She was loved by every one that she ever came in contact with and I knew that everyone was going to be pissed as hell as soon as they saw her.

_Annie, are you OK  
You OK  
Are you OK, Annie  
Annie, are you OK  
You OK  
Are you OK, Annie  
Annie, are you OK  
You OK  
Are you OK, Annie  
Annie, are you OK  
You OK  
Are you OK, Annie_

"Joe?"

I looked into her eyes as they fluttered open. She blinked several times to get her vision cleared before she finally focused on me. She gave me a weak smile and then winced as her lip broke back open and started to bleed. I grabbed a wash clothe from beside her sink and brought it down to her lip.

"What happened Cupcake?" I asked quietly.

"I was in the bathroom when I heard something in my bedroom," she whispered. "I walked out and found Ranger looking through my dresser. He was mumbling to himself. I couldn't understand everything that he was saying. I reached out and touched his shoulder to make him stop and he turned on me…"

I didn't want to push her. I really had all of the information that I needed.

_Annie, are you OK  
Will you tell us that you're OK  
There's a sign at the window  
That he struck you  
A crescendo, Annie  
He came into your apartment  
He left the bloodstains on the carpet  
Then you ran into the bedroom  
You were struck down  
It was your doom_

"I ran out into the living room, but he followed me," she whispered.

I watched as her eyes got a far off look to them. She was pulling the memory forward, reliving it. Her face slowly started to pail and her eyes started to dilate as they shot from side to side, looking everywhere but at me. Her breathing started to become labored and tears started to form in her eyes.

_Annie, are you OK  
You OK  
Are you OK, Annie  
You've been hit by  
You've been struck by  
A smooth criminal_

"I swear, Joe," she whispered as her eyes focused on mine. "It was like it wasn't even Ranger. His eyes…"

"It's okay, Cupcake," I said quietly as I tucked a stray curl behind her ear.

She winced at my touch and her eyes glazed over again.  
_He came into your apartment  
He left the bloodstains on the carpet  
Then you ran into the bedroom  
You were struck down  
It was your doom_

Annie, are you OK  
Will you tell us that you're OK  
There's a sign at the window  
That he struck you  
A crescendo, Annie

"How's she doing?"

I turned and looked at the large black man that stood in the doorway to her hospital room. He was Ranger's right hand man and had known him for a life time. Had he seen this coming? Was this something that he had seen before? As the questions started flying through my head, I started to get more and more pissed off. They all knew and did nothing about it! They had seen this coming and never said as word of caution to Steph!

"She's no longer any of your concern," I said through gritted teeth as I stood from my post next to her bed and moved towards him. My mounting anger flared as a blank mask fell onto his face. "You should have warned her about Manoso. You should have tried to protect her instead of letting him do this to her. You should-"

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Tank demanded.

"I'm talking about Manoso beating the shit out of Stephanie!" My voice raising as my Italian temper lashed out. I pointed over at the unconscious woman in the bed and said, "He put her there."

"That's not possible."

"She told me herself while she was bleeding all over her bathroom floor," I yelled as my hands fisted at my sides. "He attacked her in her apartment."  
_  
Annie, are you OK  
You OK  
Are you OK, Annie  
Annie, are you OK  
You OK  
Are you OK, Annie  
Annie, are you OK  
You OK  
Are you OK, Annie  
Annie, are you OK  
You OK  
Are you OK, Annie_

"Is she going to be okay?"

I looked over my shoulder at Eddie as he and Big Dog loomed in the doorway. "Yeah."

"We wanted to let you know that Manoso was handed over to us this afternoon," Big Dog said as he set a vase of flowers down on the table at the end of Steph's bed. "Tank and about five other guys brought him in."

"Good," I said as I looked back over at the small woman lying in the bed in front of me. "That's really good."


	9. Underneath

Disclaimer: JE owns the characters. The song is 'Underneath' by Hanson. I know. I'm lame.

**Underneath**

_Waking up this morning thinking this can't be real _

_But they say there is nothing love can't heal _

_Why don't you come on down so you can feel what I feel _

**My hand ran across the empty bed next to me, the sheets still warm from the man that had been there when I closed my eyes the night before. Why should I be surprised? It's like this every morning. I thought that it'd get better if I loved him more, that I could love him enough for the both of us. But the dull ache that had started in my chest was only getting worse. If only he could feel what I feel.**

_Sitting all alone in this place _

_Even though we're here face to face _

_There is nothing gone _

_But there's something wrong_

**The silence that surrounded us was deafening, no longer the comfortable silence that we had. So many words left unsaid and the canyon between us was growing day by day. I just don't understand how it happened. What did I do? What did he do? Nothing. And maybe that's just it. We've both done nothing and it's making the canyon wider by the minute.**

_Can't you see that I'm stuck here underneath_

**I can't climb out of the skin that has me trapped inside.**

_And you're making it hard to breathe_

**I'm suffocating under the pressure.**

_Take a look around and tell me what you see _

**The only thing that's the same is my reflection in the mirror.**

_You'll find me underneath_

**I know I'm still here inside.**

_Underneath_

**Underneath it all, I'm still here. **

_I know what to say but don't know where to begin _

_The fear of losing you beneath my skin _

_Is there resolution for this pain that I'm in_

**I can't fix this. I want to, I really do. But he is the only one with the power to make things right between us. Desperation is only fueling the fear that has started ruling over my life, fear of losing him. So I say nothing, ironically staying silent. I don't know how to tell him about the pain that I feel. That only he can fix it.**

_Sitting all alone in this place _

_Even though we're here face to face _

_There is nothing gone _

_But there's something wrong_

**The hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach aches every night at the dinner table. I hide in my files and he hides behind his paperwork, the silence compounding the loneliness in our crowded space. And it's very crowded with just the two of here. How did we get here? So physically close, but emotionally miles apart.**

_Can't you see that I'm stuck here underneath _

**I can't climb out of the skin that has trapped me inside.**

_And you're making it hard to breathe _

**I'm suffocating under all this pressure.**

_Take a look around and tell me what you see_

**The only thing that's the same is my reflection in the mirror.**

_You'll find me underneath _

**I know I'm still in here.**

'_Cause you'll find me underneath_

**Underneath it all, I'm still here.**

_If only you could feel what I dream _

_Maybe you could hear what I mean _

_There is nothing gone _

_But there's something missing_

**How can I make him hear me, make him see, without him bolting right out the door? I can't. So the silence keeps building and the canyon keeps growing and I sink further underneath. Because hiding underneath is the only place where I'm safe. He's not emotionally dead****, his emotions are just unavoidably detained from me. Unavoidably detained. Jesus. That sums up our relationship.**

_Can't you see that I'm stuck here underneath_

**My voice was just a whisper. "I'm still here, Ranger…**

_And you're making it hard to breathe_

**And the silence is suffocating me…**

_Take a look around and tell me what you see_

**Can't you see what this is doing to me…**

_You'll find me underneath _

**Can't you see me hiding underneath everything…**

_You'll find me underneath_

**Do you see me…**

_Underneath_

**Ranger…"**

_Underneath_

**His voice resonated through the empty apartment. "I'm sorry, Babe."**


End file.
